Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
ugly people sure do ruin things
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
