I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
