That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
