she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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