Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
