Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
