Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
We have started to decorate penises.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
