y did u give ur computer a hand job?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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