i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I don't deserve a penis
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
