I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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