She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
