does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize