At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
