I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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