Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
