Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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