dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
