Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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