The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
