That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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