whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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