he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
