mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Randomize
