you're like a bully in the Christmas story
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
