that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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