If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize