I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
