i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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