it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
