I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
