and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize