i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
