today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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