how can u be prego again
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
