just tell him i said nine months
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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