I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
