sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
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