Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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