i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
