doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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