Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize