Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
