i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
