Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
