I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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