it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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