my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
