Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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