My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
