dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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