No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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