wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My ATM looks so different sober.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
