I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
