Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
