So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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