I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
