I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm getting married
To pizza
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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