I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
