My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
