i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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