i can't believe i had my finger in that
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
where are my eyebrows?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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