Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
